My Final Chapter

That's all I am going to tell you about. I suppose I could tell you what happened after I got home and how I got sick and where I am going to school next fall but i'm not going to. I don't really feel like it much right now, it just doesn't interest me.
I keep being asked whether I am going to apply myself when I got back to school, what a stupid question. I mean, how are you supposed to know what's going to happen untill it happens?
D.B was as bad as the rest of them with the questions, he drove up last Saturday with some pretty good looking English girl.
One day D.B asked me about what I thought about all the stuff I just told you about. To be honest I don't know what I thought about it, I suppose in the end I was pretty sorry I had told so many people about it.
I sort of miss all the people I told you about. Even Ackley and Stradlater, goddam I even think I miss that damn Maurice. It's funny. Don't ever tell anyone anything, because if you do you goddam start missing everyone.

The Carousel

I suddenly regretted giving my red hunting hat to Old Pheobe as soon as I got out. I was walking round the streets like a madman. I was thinking that I might not make it across to the other side of the street safely, so I started pleading to Allie, not to God but to Allie to see me safely across the street. The thoughts of fleeing out west game back again and I decided I was gona do it. I wanted to go and say goodbye to Phoebe though, and to give her christmas dough back. So I wrote her a note I delivered it to her school and everything and just as I was leaving I saw that some rotten kid had scratched 'Fuck you' into one of the walls. That annoyed the hell outta me. I saw it written more than onsce. It annoyed me so much that I wanted to kill the person that had put it there! The minute you find somewhere nice some bastard comes along and writes the word 'Fuck You' all over it! I went to the museum to meet Phoebe and I was walking along of the corridors and I found another 'Fuck You' written on the wall. I couldn't rub it off. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I stood and waited outside of the museum and waited for Old Phoebe, in my note I'd told her that I was going away and all and that this was her last chance to say goodbye.
When I saw her coming up the road, she was dragging a big suitcase with her. She told me she was coming with me, I told her she couldn't. We had a row about it, we were practically yelling in the street. In the end I told her I would go home with her, and I meant it. But by the time she was kinda mad at me. I offered to take her to the park but she didn't answer so I walked on and headed towards the park. She walked on the other side of the road. That killed me. I knew she would follow me in the end. When we got there I was reminded of my childhood. Me, Allie, Phoebe and D.B used to come here as children and go on the carousel. I gave Phoebe some dough and watched her on the carousel. Before she went on she took my hunting hat out of my pocket and put it on my head with the ear flaps down and all and I sat and I watched her as she went around and around and around. She looked so nice and pretty and all. I wish you coulda been there.

Mr Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini lived in this really swanky apartment. They had been entertaining, the place was a mess and you could see Mr Antolini had had one too many, and he was still drinking. We started a very long talk about my life and where I want to end up. He told me that I was heading for a fall. A horrible one. he told me 'The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit the bottom.' I sort of followed him but, to tell you the truth, I wasn't really listening, I was so goddam tired, I felt dizzy and had a huge headache. I just wanted to sleep. He also told me 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.' I knew what he was saying. I thanked him and all. But all I really wanted to do was sleep. Mr. Antolini was still pretty drunk but he stopped talking and helped me make up the sofa so I could go to bed.
I lay there and I thought about what Mr. Antolini had said for a while, then I fell asleep. Then something weird happened. I woke up and Mr. Antolini was sitting there, in the dark and all, he was still drinking. And he had his goddam hand on my head. I was up like a shot, I was shaking like a bastard! It was so goddam embaressing! I made the excuse that I had to collect my bag, he didn't believe me but I had to get out! It took so goddam long for the elevator to come, I have never waited so long in my whole goddam life. As song as it got there I was out like a shot. Man I hate stuff like that.

Leaving Pheobe

I called Mr. Antolini, he was shocked that I been kicked out of another school and invited me to stay the night at his house. Mr. Antolini was the only teacher who approached James Castle’s body after his death, the only one who demonstrated any kindness in the situation. I went back into Phoebe’s room and asked her to dance. We did four numbers, she was a good little dancer was Pheobe. After the fourth number I heard the front door open, my parents were home from their dinner party. I tried to fan away my lingering cigarette smoke and jumped in the closet. Mother came in to tuck Phoebe in, and I hid, crouching in the closet until she left. I said goodbye to Phoebe, letting her know of my plan to leave New York and move out west alone. She let me the Christmas money she’d been saving, it made me feel so goddam sad when she did that, I wouldn't accept it at first but she insisted. I left for Mr. Antolini’s. On the way out I gave her my red hunting hat. She didn't want to take it at first but I made her, I bet she goddam slept with it on.

I finally got Pheobe to listen to me once I returned to her room. I told her about why I hated school and why I failed most of my classes. I said about how I had passed english but she just accused me of hating everything.She challenged me to think of one thing I liked. All of a sudden I I got preoccupied, thinking about the nuns I had met at breakfast and about this boy, James Castle, who jumped out of a window at Elkton. He fell to his death after being tormented by six others, all that happened to them was that they got expelled. I told her that I liked Allie, she got angry with me and told me how he was dead but I pointed out that just because Allie is dead doesn't mean I can't still like him. She asked what I wanted to do with my life, and my only answer is to mention that lyric the little boy was singing, “If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye.” I imagine a gigantic field of rye on a cliff full of children playing. I want to stand at the edge of the cliff and catch the children when they come too close to falling off—to be “the catcher in the rye.” Phoebe pointed out that I misheard the words—the actual lyric, from the Robert Burns poem, “Coming Thro’ the Rye,” is “If a body meet a body coming through the rye.”I told her I knew I was wrong and about what I was thinking about the children on the cliff, she stayed quiet for a while. All of a sudden I wanted to talk to this guy, he was my old English teacher at Elkton Hills, Mr Antolini. I told Pheobe I had to make a phone call and not to go to sleep. As I was walking out of her room she told me about how some girl was giving her belching lessons. I heard something but it wasn't much, I said good and walked out to call Mr Antolini.

Home

As I got home, the elevator boy asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I was going to the Dicksteins, they were some people who lived on the same floor as us. I didn't want him to know I was Caulfield and tell my parents. He told me they was at a party on the 14th floor, So I told him I was their nephew and that they had told me to wait in their room for him. I started making no sense and in the end he let me up. I went into our house silently when I got up. First I went in Pheobes room but remembered she didn't sleep in their when D.B when he was away as she preferred his room. It was much larger than hers and had a bigger bed, so she stayed in there. I went in D.B's room and woke her gently. She woke up and threw her arms round me shouting "Holden". She is one of them people who wake up suddenly. As we were talking she asked me about school, I didn't even have to tell her I had been kicked out, she worked it out for herself! She is so clever, really she is. She put her pillow over her face and wouldn't goddam speak to me. I ended up going out of the room and getting some cigarettes from on the table. I put them in my pocket as I was all out.

I goddam broke it

I stayed in the bar till about 1 o'clock getting drunk as a bastard. I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again. Exept this time in public. I soon left and stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing her, I was too drunk I guess and I just didn't feel like it. So instead, what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. She didn't answer, her Grandmother did but I soon got her on the phone . After a long drunken conversation where Sally kept shouting at me to stop screaming, I stayed in the phone booth holding onto the phone, to keep me standing I guess. I decided to take a walk to Central park to see if the ducks were around. Just I got in the park though I did a terrible thing and dropped Pheobes goddam record. It broke into about 50 pieces. It made me feel so damn terrible I nearly cried. I didn't want to just leave the pieces though so I picked them up and put them in my pocket. I must have been drunker than I thought because I couldn’t find the lagoon. When I finally found it, it was half frozen and half not and there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell, I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the aunts and what not coming over.I wasn't actually at Allies funeral though like he wasn't at mine .Anyway, when the weathers nice my parents go and put a bunch of flowers on Allies grave. I used to go with them but I soon cut it out. It annoyed the hell outta me when as soon as it rained people would rush to their cars and go somewhere nice for dinner, wasn't too bad when it was a nice day though. I decided to go home as I wanted to speak to Pheobe. I would sneak in while my parents were asleep so they didn't know I was there. I walked the whole way home, although it wasn't too far. I wasn't actually tired or even dunk anymore, I was just cold and there was no-one around.

Old Carl Luce

If you don't know New York, the Wicker Bar is in this swankey hotel called the Seton Hotel. I used to go to the Wicker Bar quite frequently but I cut it out over time. It was pretty crowded and I got there sorta early so I just sat down and watched aload of phoneys for a while. I ordered a scotch while I was waiting.

Old Carl Luce used to be my student adviser while I was at Whooton School. All he used to do though, was give us these sex talks. He was strictly a pain in the ass but we talked for a while. He started to get a bit off with me when I asked him about his personal life and about this girl he was dating.

He had a large vacabulary did Carl Luce, they used to give us tests.

A goddam phoney movie

I was starting to feel sorta hungry so I bought a swiss cheese sandwitch and a malted and made my way to a phone booth. I thought of giving old Jane a buzz but no-one answered so I just ended up hanging up. In the end I gave Carl Luce a buzz, he graduated Whooton School three years before me as he was older but I wanted someone to speak to. We made plans to go for a drink at the Wicker bar at about 10 0'clock, as I had time to kill I ended up going to see a movie at Radio City. Although it was the worst thing I probarbly coulda done, it was close by and I couldn't think of anything else to do.The goddam stage show was on when I got in, The Rockettes. Soon after the movie started, it was so putrid I couldn't take my eyes off it. It was so phoney and boring as hell. There was this lady that sat next to me that cried through the whole goddam thing, worse thing was that the phonier it got, the more she cried. I wouldn't have minded so much but she had this kid who was asking to go to the bathroom, he was so goddam bored. She wouldn't even take him. I woulda thought she was alright at first but it just showed she wasn't. It goddam kills me that, you get people crying at a movie like that and you think they are alright but nine out of ten times they are heartless bastards.

After the movie I started walking to the Wicker bar where I was meeting Carl Luce, while I was walking I thought about the war. I was thinking about what a great invention the atomic bomb is, i'm really glad they invented that I mean, when they want to set it of and everything, i'll volounteer to sit right on top of it. I swear to god I will.