My Final Chapter

That's all I am going to tell you about. I suppose I could tell you what happened after I got home and how I got sick and where I am going to school next fall but i'm not going to. I don't really feel like it much right now, it just doesn't interest me.
I keep being asked whether I am going to apply myself when I got back to school, what a stupid question. I mean, how are you supposed to know what's going to happen untill it happens?
D.B was as bad as the rest of them with the questions, he drove up last Saturday with some pretty good looking English girl.
One day D.B asked me about what I thought about all the stuff I just told you about. To be honest I don't know what I thought about it, I suppose in the end I was pretty sorry I had told so many people about it.
I sort of miss all the people I told you about. Even Ackley and Stradlater, goddam I even think I miss that damn Maurice. It's funny. Don't ever tell anyone anything, because if you do you goddam start missing everyone.

The Carousel

I suddenly regretted giving my red hunting hat to Old Pheobe as soon as I got out. I was walking round the streets like a madman. I was thinking that I might not make it across to the other side of the street safely, so I started pleading to Allie, not to God but to Allie to see me safely across the street. The thoughts of fleeing out west game back again and I decided I was gona do it. I wanted to go and say goodbye to Phoebe though, and to give her christmas dough back. So I wrote her a note I delivered it to her school and everything and just as I was leaving I saw that some rotten kid had scratched 'Fuck you' into one of the walls. That annoyed the hell outta me. I saw it written more than onsce. It annoyed me so much that I wanted to kill the person that had put it there! The minute you find somewhere nice some bastard comes along and writes the word 'Fuck You' all over it! I went to the museum to meet Phoebe and I was walking along of the corridors and I found another 'Fuck You' written on the wall. I couldn't rub it off. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I stood and waited outside of the museum and waited for Old Phoebe, in my note I'd told her that I was going away and all and that this was her last chance to say goodbye.
When I saw her coming up the road, she was dragging a big suitcase with her. She told me she was coming with me, I told her she couldn't. We had a row about it, we were practically yelling in the street. In the end I told her I would go home with her, and I meant it. But by the time she was kinda mad at me. I offered to take her to the park but she didn't answer so I walked on and headed towards the park. She walked on the other side of the road. That killed me. I knew she would follow me in the end. When we got there I was reminded of my childhood. Me, Allie, Phoebe and D.B used to come here as children and go on the carousel. I gave Phoebe some dough and watched her on the carousel. Before she went on she took my hunting hat out of my pocket and put it on my head with the ear flaps down and all and I sat and I watched her as she went around and around and around. She looked so nice and pretty and all. I wish you coulda been there.

Mr Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini lived in this really swanky apartment. They had been entertaining, the place was a mess and you could see Mr Antolini had had one too many, and he was still drinking. We started a very long talk about my life and where I want to end up. He told me that I was heading for a fall. A horrible one. he told me 'The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit the bottom.' I sort of followed him but, to tell you the truth, I wasn't really listening, I was so goddam tired, I felt dizzy and had a huge headache. I just wanted to sleep. He also told me 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.' I knew what he was saying. I thanked him and all. But all I really wanted to do was sleep. Mr. Antolini was still pretty drunk but he stopped talking and helped me make up the sofa so I could go to bed.
I lay there and I thought about what Mr. Antolini had said for a while, then I fell asleep. Then something weird happened. I woke up and Mr. Antolini was sitting there, in the dark and all, he was still drinking. And he had his goddam hand on my head. I was up like a shot, I was shaking like a bastard! It was so goddam embaressing! I made the excuse that I had to collect my bag, he didn't believe me but I had to get out! It took so goddam long for the elevator to come, I have never waited so long in my whole goddam life. As song as it got there I was out like a shot. Man I hate stuff like that.

Leaving Pheobe

I called Mr. Antolini, he was shocked that I been kicked out of another school and invited me to stay the night at his house. Mr. Antolini was the only teacher who approached James Castle’s body after his death, the only one who demonstrated any kindness in the situation. I went back into Phoebe’s room and asked her to dance. We did four numbers, she was a good little dancer was Pheobe. After the fourth number I heard the front door open, my parents were home from their dinner party. I tried to fan away my lingering cigarette smoke and jumped in the closet. Mother came in to tuck Phoebe in, and I hid, crouching in the closet until she left. I said goodbye to Phoebe, letting her know of my plan to leave New York and move out west alone. She let me the Christmas money she’d been saving, it made me feel so goddam sad when she did that, I wouldn't accept it at first but she insisted. I left for Mr. Antolini’s. On the way out I gave her my red hunting hat. She didn't want to take it at first but I made her, I bet she goddam slept with it on.

I finally got Pheobe to listen to me once I returned to her room. I told her about why I hated school and why I failed most of my classes. I said about how I had passed english but she just accused me of hating everything.She challenged me to think of one thing I liked. All of a sudden I I got preoccupied, thinking about the nuns I had met at breakfast and about this boy, James Castle, who jumped out of a window at Elkton. He fell to his death after being tormented by six others, all that happened to them was that they got expelled. I told her that I liked Allie, she got angry with me and told me how he was dead but I pointed out that just because Allie is dead doesn't mean I can't still like him. She asked what I wanted to do with my life, and my only answer is to mention that lyric the little boy was singing, “If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye.” I imagine a gigantic field of rye on a cliff full of children playing. I want to stand at the edge of the cliff and catch the children when they come too close to falling off—to be “the catcher in the rye.” Phoebe pointed out that I misheard the words—the actual lyric, from the Robert Burns poem, “Coming Thro’ the Rye,” is “If a body meet a body coming through the rye.”I told her I knew I was wrong and about what I was thinking about the children on the cliff, she stayed quiet for a while. All of a sudden I wanted to talk to this guy, he was my old English teacher at Elkton Hills, Mr Antolini. I told Pheobe I had to make a phone call and not to go to sleep. As I was walking out of her room she told me about how some girl was giving her belching lessons. I heard something but it wasn't much, I said good and walked out to call Mr Antolini.

Home

As I got home, the elevator boy asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I was going to the Dicksteins, they were some people who lived on the same floor as us. I didn't want him to know I was Caulfield and tell my parents. He told me they was at a party on the 14th floor, So I told him I was their nephew and that they had told me to wait in their room for him. I started making no sense and in the end he let me up. I went into our house silently when I got up. First I went in Pheobes room but remembered she didn't sleep in their when D.B when he was away as she preferred his room. It was much larger than hers and had a bigger bed, so she stayed in there. I went in D.B's room and woke her gently. She woke up and threw her arms round me shouting "Holden". She is one of them people who wake up suddenly. As we were talking she asked me about school, I didn't even have to tell her I had been kicked out, she worked it out for herself! She is so clever, really she is. She put her pillow over her face and wouldn't goddam speak to me. I ended up going out of the room and getting some cigarettes from on the table. I put them in my pocket as I was all out.

I goddam broke it

I stayed in the bar till about 1 o'clock getting drunk as a bastard. I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again. Exept this time in public. I soon left and stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing her, I was too drunk I guess and I just didn't feel like it. So instead, what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. She didn't answer, her Grandmother did but I soon got her on the phone . After a long drunken conversation where Sally kept shouting at me to stop screaming, I stayed in the phone booth holding onto the phone, to keep me standing I guess. I decided to take a walk to Central park to see if the ducks were around. Just I got in the park though I did a terrible thing and dropped Pheobes goddam record. It broke into about 50 pieces. It made me feel so damn terrible I nearly cried. I didn't want to just leave the pieces though so I picked them up and put them in my pocket. I must have been drunker than I thought because I couldn’t find the lagoon. When I finally found it, it was half frozen and half not and there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell, I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the aunts and what not coming over.I wasn't actually at Allies funeral though like he wasn't at mine .Anyway, when the weathers nice my parents go and put a bunch of flowers on Allies grave. I used to go with them but I soon cut it out. It annoyed the hell outta me when as soon as it rained people would rush to their cars and go somewhere nice for dinner, wasn't too bad when it was a nice day though. I decided to go home as I wanted to speak to Pheobe. I would sneak in while my parents were asleep so they didn't know I was there. I walked the whole way home, although it wasn't too far. I wasn't actually tired or even dunk anymore, I was just cold and there was no-one around.

Old Carl Luce

If you don't know New York, the Wicker Bar is in this swankey hotel called the Seton Hotel. I used to go to the Wicker Bar quite frequently but I cut it out over time. It was pretty crowded and I got there sorta early so I just sat down and watched aload of phoneys for a while. I ordered a scotch while I was waiting.

Old Carl Luce used to be my student adviser while I was at Whooton School. All he used to do though, was give us these sex talks. He was strictly a pain in the ass but we talked for a while. He started to get a bit off with me when I asked him about his personal life and about this girl he was dating.

He had a large vacabulary did Carl Luce, they used to give us tests.

A goddam phoney movie

I was starting to feel sorta hungry so I bought a swiss cheese sandwitch and a malted and made my way to a phone booth. I thought of giving old Jane a buzz but no-one answered so I just ended up hanging up. In the end I gave Carl Luce a buzz, he graduated Whooton School three years before me as he was older but I wanted someone to speak to. We made plans to go for a drink at the Wicker bar at about 10 0'clock, as I had time to kill I ended up going to see a movie at Radio City. Although it was the worst thing I probarbly coulda done, it was close by and I couldn't think of anything else to do.The goddam stage show was on when I got in, The Rockettes. Soon after the movie started, it was so putrid I couldn't take my eyes off it. It was so phoney and boring as hell. There was this lady that sat next to me that cried through the whole goddam thing, worse thing was that the phonier it got, the more she cried. I wouldn't have minded so much but she had this kid who was asking to go to the bathroom, he was so goddam bored. She wouldn't even take him. I woulda thought she was alright at first but it just showed she wasn't. It goddam kills me that, you get people crying at a movie like that and you think they are alright but nine out of ten times they are heartless bastards.

After the movie I started walking to the Wicker bar where I was meeting Carl Luce, while I was walking I thought about the war. I was thinking about what a great invention the atomic bomb is, i'm really glad they invented that I mean, when they want to set it of and everything, i'll volounteer to sit right on top of it. I swear to god I will.

Sally Hayes

I met Sally at the Biltmore. She looked good, she apoligised for being late but I said I didn't mid. I really didn't, the way she looked made up for it. We horsed around a bit in the cab down to the theatre, i'm a madman really I am. The maddest bit about it was I actually meant it! We went in and sat down, the old couple in it were really good I have to admit but they knew they were good so it just ruined it. At the break we stood with a loada jerks smoking cigarettes.
Sally recognised some guy she knew from way back. He saw her and came over. It irritated me like mad, they were flirting so goddam much. After the show he walked out with us, Sally invited him for a drink but he said he had to meet someone, thank god.
Me and Sally went skating at Radio City, she got to wear this tiny blue dress. She kept walking in front of me so I could see her tiny little bum. I gotta admit, it was nice. We were the worse goddam skaters on that ice rink, at last Sally asked if we should go in the cafe. In the cafe we got into this conversation. I'll admit I got carried away with a rant. In the end we started arguing and I called her a royal pain in the ass. Boy was she mad. She was crying and everything, she told me to leave. I apoligised like a mad man but she wasn't having any of it. Man did I regret it.

Little Shirley Beans

I went on a long walk because I wasnt meeting Sally till two o'clock. I couldn’t stop thinking about the nuns and their crumby suitcases. I wanted to find a record store in Broadway to get Phoebe a record called ‘Little Shirley Beans’. It was really hard to get and I guessed if I could get it anywhere it would be there.It was about a kid who loses her two front teeth. I thought it would be good for Pheobe. She understands anything I talk to her about. Theere was a family walking infront of me. They looked sorta poor but like a proper family. The kid looked great, he was just walking on the road, right next to the curb singing to himself. ‘If a body catch a body coming through the rye.’ His Mum and Dad weren't paying attention to him. He just kept on singing to himself. The first storee I went in had the record, they charged me 5 bucks for it because it was so hard to get, but I didn’t care,I just wanted to give it to Pheobe. I felt like giving Jane a buzz when I came outta the store, so I did, but her Mum answered so I hung up. I wasn't too crazy about the thought of talking to her Mum over the phone. I went to get tickets for some benifit performance that me and sally could see. She was so phoney I knew she would love it.
I knew Pheobe liked skating in the park on Sundays so I went over there to see if she was there. Some kid on the park told me she would be in the museum. In the end I knew she wouldn't be becuase it was Sunday, but I wanted to go anywhere. I like the museum, it would just be the same as it was when I last went in when I was a kid. I walked all the way to the goddam museum but as I got the the door I didn't want to go in, I just got a goddam taxi to meet Sally.

The Two Nuns

I didn't sleep much, I think it was about 10 o'clock when I woke up. I felt pretty hungry as soon as I smoked a cigarette. The last thing I had eaten was those two hamburgers with Brossard and Ackely when we went into Agerstown to the movies. It seemed like about 50 years ago. I started to call for some breakfast but I was sorta scared they would send it up with old Maurice. I thought of giving old Jane a buzz, but I wasn't in the mood.
Instead I rung Sally Hayes, and aranged to meet her at two o'clock. I checked out of the hotel and took a taxi to grand central station. I checked my back in one of those luggage holders.
I was having a big breakfast at the railway station, and there were two nuns on the next table. I had a conversation and I gave them a ten dollar donation. I discussed Romeo and Juliet with them, I didn't actually expect them to have seen it. I enjoyed talking to the nuns. I wish I had given them a bigger donation, all money does is make you miserable.

Goddam Movies

After Sunny had gone, I sat and smoked a couple of cigarettes. Boy I felt so goddam depressed. What I did, I started sorta talking out loud to Allie. I do it sometimes when i'm really depressed. I kept telling him to go back to get his bike and meet me infront of Bobby Fallons house. Bobby Fallon was this kid that used to live near us in Main, years ago. We were kids and thought we could shoot something with our BB guns, Allie heard us talking about it and wanted to come along. I told him to hurry up, it isn't that I didn't used to take him places or anything but that day I didn't. He didn't get sore about it, he never got sore about anything. Anyway, it just depressed me.
Finally I got undressed and went to bed, I felt like praying or something but I can't sometimes when I feel like it. I'm sort of atheist, I like Jesus and all but I don't really care for much else in the bible. Take the disciples, they were about as much use as a hole in the head to Jesus, they annoyed the hell outta me. The guy I liked best in the bible next Jesus was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs on his own and cut himself with stones. I liked him ten times as much as I like the disciples. I used to get into quite a few arguments at Whooton about it.
Anyway, I was in bed and all, I couldn't pray worth a damn. Finally I sat up and smoked another cigarette. All of a sudden, outta nowhere someone knocked on my door, I kept hoping it wasn't my door they were knocking on but I just knew it was. I knew who it was too, i'm psychic. I was pretty scared and asked who's there, I am pretty yellow about those things. All they did though was knock again, this time louder. I just got outta bed with my pajamas on and opened the door, I didn't need the light on as it was already daylight outside. Sunny and Maurice were stood there, I paid her already I said. He said he had told me it was ten bucks a throw which was a lie. I wasn't gona give him an extra five bucks, however much he asked me. He pushed me with his big crumby hand, I damn near fell over. I'd wished I was dressed at least. The next thing I knew, him and Sunny were in the goddam room. He kept trying to get the extra five bucks of me, I told him I don't owe him a cent. He told me to give him the money, kept calling me chief, i just said No. When I said it though, he got up and started walking towards me, with his big hairy chest out and all. My voice was shakin like a bastard by this time, I told him to leave me alone and get the hell out but he just sottod over me. Sunny got the five bucks outta my wallet and told Maurice to stop hurting me, Maurice said he wasn't hurting me and snapped his finger on my pajamas. I won't tell you where he snapped it but it goddam hurt. I sorta lost it then, I was crying still, I called him a stupid chiseling moron. I went on with myself abit untill he smacked me. I didn't even try and get out of the way or anything. They both went out of the door, I didn't move or anything I just lay on the floor the same way I did with Stradlater. In the end I got up and started heading towards the bathroom. I'm a madman though really I am. I'll tell you what I did, I started pretending i'd got a bullet in my chest and blood was trickling outta my mouth a bit at a time. I imagined I went downstairs and then i'd ring the elevator bell. When old Maurice saw me he's ask me to leave him alone, but i'd just plug him. Then i'd throw my automatic down the shaft and make my way back up to my room where Jane would take care of me and give me a cigarette to smoke. The goddam movies, the can ruin anything. I'm not kidding.

Sunny & Maurice

I walked back to the hotel, forty-one gorgeous blocks. Not because I wanted to or anything, just didn't want to get into another taxicab. I get tired of riding in taxi's, the same way you can get tired of riding in elevators. You just have to walk.
There was hardly any snow around at all, you wouldn't actually know it had snowed at all. It was really cold so I pulled my hunting hat out and put it on. I wish I knew who'd swiped my gloves from Pencey, it really was goddam freezing. I wouldn't have actually done much even if I had known though. I mean i'm a pretty yellow guy really. I mean if I had known, I probably woulda just gone down there and threatened to hit the guy, but I wouldn't have actually planned to do it. I am a pretty yellow guy. Anyway, I thought about how it isn't fun to be yellow all the way back to the hotel. I mean, i'm not one of these guys that actually care much when they lose something, I know it's no excuse but I really don't.
I hate fist fights, I don't mind being hit too much, obviously i'm not crazy about it but I just can't stand looking at another guys face while i'm fighting him. I probably wouldn't be too bad if I could be blindfolded or something.
I had only had three drinks at Ernies, I am really good at drinking and not showing it. This one time, at Whooton School, this other boy, Raymond Goldfarb and I, bought this bottle of Scotch and drank it. He got stinking but I was fine, I was sick before I went to bed but I didn't actually need to be a just forced myself.
Before I got back to the hotel I thought about going in this bar, but two guys came out stinking, drunk as hell. I decided not even to go into the goddam bar and just went back to the hotel instead. When I got into the elevator there was this guy asking me if I was interested in 'having a good time'. I lied about my age, and ended up booking a prostitue for five bucks. As soon as I agreed to it I regreted it but it was too late to stop it now.
When I got back to my room I got dressed and brushed my teeth, so it wouldn't stink of cigarettes and Scotch. I know you don't have to get dolled up for these things but I was pretty nervous and it was something to do. I was feeling sexy and all but still nervous, if you want to know the truth, i'm a virigin. I've had quite a few opportunities to lose my virginity and everything but something has always gone wrong or it's just been the wrong time. Or the girl your with keeps saying stop, most guys don't stop but I do. I can't help it.
Anyway, as I was putting on a clean shirt I figured this was my chance to get some practice, with her being a prostitute and all. I was walking round the room waiting for this prostitute to show up, I kept hoping she's be good looking, I didn't care too much though I just wanted to get it over with. Finally there was a knock at the door and on the way to get it I tripped over my suitcase. I damn near broke my knee, great timing!
When I opened the door this prostitute was there, you could tell she died her hair but she was no old bag. She looked really nervous for a prositute, she really did. She only looked around my age, she was asking what my age was. When I told her I was twenty two, she suprised me when she said "like fun you are" I expected something like "cut the crap". It was sorta a childish thing to say, I asked her how old she was and she just said old enough to know better, she was really witty.
She just stood up and pulled her dress over her head, sure made me feel peculiar when she did that, I know your supposed to feel sexy and all,but I didn't. I was feeling depressed rather than sexy.
She asked if I had a watch again and she just sat on the bed, all she had on was this pink slip, it was actually really embarresing. I was feeling goddam peculiar this time and when she said let's go I just asked if she wantedto talk for a bit. I'm a madman I really am. She sat on my knee, I just wanted to talk. She got bored after a while and she just kept saying let's go. I told her I had had an operation on my back and I couldn't do anything, she just said I was cute. She made me so goddam nervous I just kept lying my head off.
By the end she gave me this goddam dirty look, she didn't seem happy at all. I told her i'd pay her, she asked why i'd told Maurice I wanted a girl if I had had an operation. I just kept lying. I gave her five bucks outta my wallet, then she said it cost ten. I told her about how Maurice said it was 5 for a throw, fifteen till noon. I wouldn't shell out any more than five, she just got her dress and said "So long crumb-bum". I said so long, didn't thank her or anything, and i'm gald I didn't.

My Playlist

New York New york
I don’t like Mondays
Sex Bomb
Peter pantheme tune
Sister Act Happy days song
I gotta get through this
I’m in the mood for dancing
Somewhere else
Oxyge
The pretender
Stop the clocks
Here without you
The great escape
Let it snow
I wanna break free
Yellow
The boulevard of broken dreams
Sweet Child Of Mine
Give Me Shelter
I Will Always Love You

My Sonnet

Movies I hate, God dam they are phoney
Don’t leave my side I hate being lonely
Don’t talk to me like that, don’t call me kid
In winter do the ducks go to Madrid?
Why does Stradlater have to be so vain?
He best not have laid a finger, on Jane
I was so upset when, old Allie died
When Stradlater hit me, I damn near cried
I think there is something wrong, with my mind
Maybe I should get, Psychoanalyzed
The crumby hotel, full of damn perverts
I hate that pimp, my stomach still damn hurts
I want to stay young, don’t let me grow old
Keep reading my book, watch my life unfold

The ducks in the winter

I got in the cab, goddam it smelt. The thing that made it worse though was the fact that it was so goddam quiet out, even though it was Saturday night. I could hardly see anyone around! I was wishing I could just go home and shoot the bull with Pheobe, but after a while I sorta struck up conversation with the cab driver. His name was Horwitz, he was a better driver than the others i'd had. I asked him whether he knew where the ducks go in the winter. Goddam he got impatient about it. He wasn't a bad guy though. I told him about how they can't ignore the ice! He kept telling me to use my goddam head...but he wasn't a bad sorta guy. I obviously wasn't going to get an answer out of him so I dropped it. Once we got there I asked him if he'd like a drink, he just asked how old I was, I didn't answer him, just told him I wasn't tired so I didn't need to go to bed! It was pretty late but Ernies was packed. You could hardly even check your coat it was so crowded, but it was pretty quiet, because Ernie was playing. Everyone was pushing to try and see him, big deal. You couldn't even see his fingers while he played, just his big dumb old face. I don't know what it was he was playing but he wasn't half sucking it up. He was putting loades of fancy trills on the high notes. You should have heard the crowd once he finished, it was enough to make you puke! People always cheer and clap for the wrong things. If I were a piano player, i'd play in the goddam closet, I wouldn't want people sucking up to me like that, it's so phoney! Old Ernie gave this really phoney humble guy, ha! as if he was humble. It really was very phoney! I damn near got my coat and headed back to the hotel it made me so depressed, though I didn't feel much like being alone, so I stuck around.
Anyway, I finally got a table, up at the goddam wall behind a post where I couldn't see anything, it was one of those tiny ones that the people at the table wouldn't move to let you past, the bastards! It was one of those that you practically had to climb over the other tables just to get through. I was surrounded by jerks, one guy was telling the girl he was with about a pro football game he'd seen earlier that day. He was the most boring guy I had ever listened to, I swear it.
Ugly girls have it tough, I really feel sorry for them sometimes. On the other side there was this Joe Yale guy giving the girl he was with a feel under the table. She was good looking, but still it really wasn't what you should do in a public place.
All of a sudden this girl came over to me, it was Lillian Simmons. She went around with my brother D.B for a while. God she had big knockers! She really wanted to know how D.B was, you shoulda seen her when I told her he was in Hollywood, she was so interested. She introduced me to the Navy guy she was with, his name was Commander Blop or something.. he was one of those guys who thought he was a pansy or something if he didn't break all your fingers when he shook your hand! She was holding up the whole goddam aisle, I don't think she even noticed. The Navy guy did though and asked her to come on. She asked me join them but I told her I was leaving to meet someone. Then she left, I told the Navy guy I was glad to have met him. It kills me that when you tell someone you were glad to meet them and you weren't at all glad about it. After I had told her I was leaving, I had to leave, It made me pretty mad, why do people always have to ruin things for you?

Jane Gallager

I still had old Jane on the mind. I was pretty sure Stradlater hadn't give her the time, I know her like a book. It took me a while to get Jane to stop giving me the freeze the first time I ever said hello to her, because my mum made a big stink about her dog relieving itself on our grass! I had to convince her that I didn't care where her dog did its thing! Anyway, we soon got friends after that, me and Jane.
We spent alot of time with Jane Gallager, but I only got close to necking with her once. I remember that afternoon. We were sat playing checkers in her porch, she had all her Kings on the back row. All of a sudden the booze hound her Mum was married to and asked Jane if there were any cigarettes at the house. I didn't know him well but I knew he had a lousy personality. Jane ignored him, he asked her twice but she didn't answer, she just stared down at the game. When the guy finally went back in the house I asked Jane what the hell was going on. Then all of a sudden, a big tear just dropped onto the keyboard, boy, I can still see it now. It bothered the hell outta me, I don't know why. She wouldn't tell me what was going on! I just told her to move over and sat down next to her, I was practically on her knee! Before I knew it, I was kissing her all over, her eyes, ears, nose, head, but just not her mouth. She sorta wouldn't let me get to her mouth. After a while she went in and put on this red and white sweater and we went to the cinema. That knocked me out. Anyway, that was the closest we ever got to necking.
Anyway, thats what I was thinking when I was sat in the lobby. When I looked round there was hardy anyone in the lobby anymore, even the whory blondes had gone. All of a sudden I felt like getting the hell outta there. I went downstairs and got a cab and told the cab driver to take me to Ernies. D.B. used to take me there, Ernie is this big coloured guy that plays the piano. He's a terrific snob, but he really can play the piano. But sometimes he plays, you can tell he's the sorta guy who won't talk to you unless your a big shot.

The Lavender Room

I didn't feel like staying in that depressing room, so I went and got ready to go down to the Lavender room, which is at the hotel. While I was getting ready I had a thought of calling my kid sister Pheobe, but it was pretty late so it wouldn't have been her answering. Even if it was my Mum would know its me, she phsycic, she always knows its me.


She kills me Pheobe, she really does. She's so clever, straight A's since she started school! Infact everyone in my families pretty bright, except me. She's really good to talk to aswell, and she knows what your on about! You would really like her, I swear to god. She likes to write these stories, they are all about some kid called Hazel Weatherfield. Only Pheobe calls her Hazle. Anyway, this girl is a detective. She really is a bright kid Pheobe, she kills me she really does.

I went downstairs and could hear the band playing in the Lavender Lounge so I went in. It was really quiet in there but they still gave me a lousy table. I couldn't get served in there, because i'm a minor. I didn't hold it against the guy who was serving me though, they can lose their jobs if they get caught serving a minor. I couldn't sit in there stone cold sober any more so I got the hell out!
I gave some three witches on the table next to me the eye, they laughed like goddam hyenas! I shoulda given them the freeze but I really felt like dancing! So I went over and asked them if any of them would like to dance, well that goddam sent them giggling again! God they were morons. But I asked again! Mainly to the blonde one who was at least half good looking. She gave in in the end! Goddam she was a good dancer! She didn't actually pay any attention to me, she was looking everywhere round the room, but she really was a goddam good dancer!

The Edmont Hotel

As soon as I get off the train I went to a phone booth. I needed to speak to someone. There were a few people I planned on calling, I stood in that goddam phonebooth contemplating calling them, but I ended up not calling anyone. After coming out of the phonebooth, it took about 20 minutes untill I ended up walking over to get a cab.
I can be so goddam absent minded sometimes, I gave the cab driver my usual address, you know out of habit and all. It took me a bit to realise and I finally asked him if he could turn round, he was sorta a wise guy and told me how he couldn't turn round there. All of a sudden, something crossed my mind, so I asked the cab driver where the ducks go in the winter. He looked at me as though I was a madman and thought I was kidding him, the conversation was soon dropped. By the time we got to nineteenth where he could turn round I decided I didn't want to stay anywhere at the East Side incase I bumped into anyone I knew, so I went back downtown. I asked him to join me but he didn't, so with my red hunting hat on i got out of the cab. Of course I took it off before I checked in, I didn't want to look like a screwball or anything, which was ironic as the place was full of them!
I was given this really crumby room, it was very depressing although, the bellboy that showed me to it looked even more depressing! Oh god some of the views I saw through the windows. The hotel was full of perverts. For example there was this couple squirting water through each other out of their mouths. And this other guy got out loades of womans clothes, and put them on! I was probarbly the only normal bastard in the whole goddam place.

Mrs Morrow

It was too late to call a cab, so I walked all the way to the station. It wasn't far or anything. Most of the times I like riding on trains, especially at night. I usually read those dumbass stories in magazines and buy a ham sandwich or something. This time though, I didn't really feel like it. So I just sat there and did nothing.

All of a sudden some woman came and sat besides me. She left her bag right out in the aisle where anyone could trip over it! Goddam kill me women do! Turns out the woman was a Mum of Ernest Morrow, who goes to Pencey. I started shootin' the old crap about Ernest and Pencey. It was something to do. I told her my name was Rudolph Schmidt, no point telling her my real name. I didn't actually really like Ernest, he was one of them bastards that would run around hitting everyones arses with a rolled up towel. I didn't tell his Mum that though, Mums always want to hear how popular their kids are. So I told her how everyone loved him but he was so modest and shy.

She was nice this mother, she was charming, and had alot of sex appeal too. She looked nice when she smoked.
She asked why I was out of school early, so I told her I was having a minor operation. On my brain. Due to a small tumour. She looked really worried, but not in a phoney way or anything.
I asked her for a drink or something but she refused, not in a bad way though. I didn't hold it against her!
Before we went our seperate ways she told me I must go and visit Morrow sometime, I told her it would be great but I wouldn't go visit that sunuvabitch Morrow for all the dough in the world. Even if I was desperate.

Gettin the hell outta Pencey

I went through to see old Ackley, I knew he would be awake with all the noise. He didn't sound all too pleased at being woken up. I turned the light on and he seemed pretty shocked when he saw me! I told him i'd had a goddam tiff with Stradlater, well that was a bit of an understatement but I didn't make that clear.


I told old Ackley I was stayin there the night, he wasn't a good host i'll tell you that! He soon fell asleep, don't know how he goddam did it. This was after a grilling about what me and Stradlater were fighting about. I didn't tell him though, told him I didn't want to bore him with it.

Anyway, it was depressing in that room. I got so goddam lonely, I even had an urge to wake Ackley up. I tried to do it quietly, so Stradlater wouldn't hear through the shower curtain. Didn't work though, he slept like a goddam rock. I shouted, he heard that alright and again, he wasn't too impressed at being woken up.

I got up, I couldn't be bothered with it in there anymore. I got hold of Ackleys hand and shook it. I was being very sincere with him but he told me I was being a wise guy. I didn't really listen after that, I just ignored him and walked out of the door.

It was really quiet out in the corridor, everyone was alseep or out. Then it crossed my mind. I decided I just wanted to get the hell outta Pencey. Why wait till Wednesday? I went back to the room and got my stuff, old stradlater didn't even wake up.
I sorta got depressed packing, didn't stop though. After i'd packed I counted my dough. I had quite alot, from my birthday and such like.
I was ready to go, I started to cry, sorta. I shouted at the top of my voice "Sleep tight, ya morons" and got the hell outta there!

Stradlater and Jane

Goddam I was worried about Stradlater and Jane! I mean, I have been on a double date with Stradlater, I know what he is like! He came in and asked why it was so quiet. Only a stupid person would ask that on a Saturday night. It was pretty obvious that everyone was either out, asleep or home for the weekend. He didn't say a goddam word about Jane, he just asked whether I had written the goddam compositon for him.

All he did was complain about the goddam thing! Saying how it was supposed to be about a room or house or something! He said despcriptive and I made it despcriptive as hell. God damn he was angry, he really was. In the end I tore it up, he was so goddam ungrateful.

In the end we got onto talking about Jane. I asked him if he gave her my regards, he said yeah! ha. Like hell he did. He told me about how they had no time to go to New York. That got me thinking, after a while I asked him where he actually went, by this time I was getting really nervous, boy I couldn't even keep my voice from shaking. He got Ed Banky's car, I thought I may aswell ask whether he gave her the time in Ed Banky's goddam car, I had to know, I really did! He didn't tell me, I can't actually remember the next bit too well. I just know that I jumped from the bed and aimed to smack right in the goddam toothbrush. I missed though, only got the side of his head or something. It probably didn't hurt him as much as I wanted it to. Goddam he got me mad, we ended up fighting. I came off much worse. He really is tough Stradlater.

Allie

Every saturday night we had the same meal. It was because they knew parents were likely to come on Sunday so if they asked their lad what they had had for tea then you could say steak. Just shows how much of a phoney the school is. Was a nice night though that Saturday, when we got outside it was white with snow. Me and this other guy had a snowball fight untill we were told to go in. It was really childish but everyone was enjoying themselves.
That night I ended up going to the cinema with this guy, Mal Brossard and Old Ackley. Mal didn't actually like Ackley much but Ackley wanted to come along anyway, so we let him.
Before we went out I collected this snowball off the windowsill. There was this car I wanted to throw it at, but I couldn't...it was just so white and untouched. So I aimed it at a hydrant, but that was the same...so I decided just not to throw it. I wanted to take it on the bus with me but the driver wouldn't let me. I told him I wouldn't throw it at anyone but I had to throw it out anyway. Once we got back old Acley parked himself in my room. On my bed and everything! Goddam hate that. He was telling me about how he had sexual intercourse or something. It was all lies, of course.

Stradlater

I didn't have anything worthwhile to do so I went down to the can with Stradlater. Remember how I said about Ackley being a slob, well so was Stradlater. He was just more of a secret slob! He was a pretty handsome guy though, in a different way to me.
He asked me if I was going out that night to see whether I could do his English work. He wanted me to write a composition, I told him that it was me flunking out of the goddam place but that didn't deter him. He was yawning while he told me what to do, gives me a royal pain in the ass when someone does that. They are telling you what to do and then they yawn. He told me to stick the commas in the wrong place to look like it was his work, its just like Stradlater that, he thinks to make it look like you have written a lousy composition, you simply have to stick the commas in the wrong place.
After a while I got bored sitting at the washbowl so i started horsing aroud. I horse around quite alot. I was tapdancing around the room. Stradlater noticed my hat so I started telling him about it, was getting out of breath anyway.
I asked about who his date was, I thought it might be Fitzgerald when he told me it wasn't I was thinking about how I want her, just my type she is! For some reason, I felt like horsing around again so I jumped of the washbowl and got Stradlater in a half Nelson. That's a wrestling move. It was a goddam good one aswell. After a while I gave up and moved back onto the subject of his date. He told me how it was Jane Gallager. I got really interested when I round out it was her. I used to know her when we were small. She was a next door neighbour! We hang around quite a bit together, I got on really well with her. One thing I remember about her is that whenever we played checkers(which we played quite a bit), she always kept her kings in the back row. She liked the way they looked when they were all in a row or something.
I just couldn't stop thinking about Jane. She had sucha lousy childhood she really did. Once again Ackely barged in, uninvited of course. But for like..the first time ever I was actually quite happy to see him. It took my mind off other things at least.

Ossenburger Memorial Wings

Where I lived a Pencey was for Juniors and Seniors only. It was called Ossenburger Memorial Wing, of the new dorms. It is named after some guy that used to go to Pencey. He made a pot of dough in the undertaking business when he left. He gave Pencey a pile of dough so they named a wing after him. When he came to the first football game once we all had to stand up and cheer him, then the next morning he gave a 10 hours speech or something in chapel. He went on about how he was never ashamed and about how he prayed to god and all that stuff.

I went back up to my room, it was quite nice to get back up there.. it was all homely and stuff. Every room has two comfy chairs, me and my roommate Ward Stradlater have one each. He was a senior as I was a junior.

When I got back to my room I put on this hat I bought in New York earlier that morning, I saw it in a sports store when I got of the subway after I realised I had left the goddam foils behind.

I started reading this book, it was one I got out of the library by mistake, they gave me the wrong one. It was called 'Out Of Africa' by Isak Dinesen. I didn't think it would be good but I liked it quite alot. I read alot, my favourite author is my brother D.B. Anyway, I sat down and started reading this book. I had just read three pages when I could hear someone coming through the shower curtains. I didn't even have to look up and I immediatly knew who it was.
Robert Ackley, now if he isn't a peculiar guy if I ever saw one. He just stood on the ledge looking round to see if Stradlater was about. He didn't half hate him. Once he knew Stradlater wasn;t there he came down off the ledge, he said Hi. He didn't like you to think he was visiting you or anything, he liked you to think he just dropped in by mistake. He started walking round the room picking everything up, even all your personal stuff, boy he could get on your nerves sometimes. He asked about the fencing, not that he gave a damn. I told him the story anyway.

The Spencers

I wanted to say bye to old spencer, my history teacher. He was a good guy, sometimes if you thoguht about him though, you wondered what his point was. I mean he just sorta stooped over and if he dropped a piece of chalk in class, there was no way he could pick it up himself. Some guy on the front row had to get up and pick it up for him. But then if you thought about him more, you realised he was actually doin pretty well for himself. For example, he was tellin us once about buying some battered up old blanket. I mean, you take a guy old as hell, and he gets a kick outta buying a blanket. Yea, so i went in and Mrs Spencer opened the door, she seemed glad to see me...she asked how I was and i asked her the same but she didn't hear me, she is sorta death you see. Nice enough though.
Mr spencer was in his room, all wrapped up in his blanket with his chest showing. The smell of Vick welcomed me with its sickingly scent room. Mr spencer said about how he had met my parents, said they were grand. I hate that goddam word, Grand. It's so phoney.
Mr spencer was ill, I am not too keen on old sick people, it's pretty depressing.
So yeah, after a while of chatting I couldn't stay any longer. Miss Spencer asked if I wanted a cup of hot chocolate but I had to decline, i needed to go to the gym. Made me sad as hell saying bye, went anyway.

Beginning Of The End

My names Holden. I'm living in a crumby place near Hollywood. Last school I got kicked out of was Pencey Prep, not that I am bothered, was full of phonies anyway. I was kicked out of two school previously to that aswell. I am originally from New York. I have two brothers, D.B and Allie, Allie's dead but that doesn't mean he isn't my brother right? I also have a sister, Pheobe. Goddam kills me that one, she really does. I can talk to her about anything. But anyway, you don't want to hear about that. I will tell you about the days shortly after I was kicked out of Pencey.
Lets start on the day I left. It was the day of the big football game, you were supposed to commit suicide or something if Pencey didn't win. Didn't interest me much, not many girls turned up. Only seniors were allowed to invite girls. Just made the school even worse, I like to see at least a few girls every once in a while. Someone who turned up regularly at games though was Selma Thurmer. Old Selma was the headteachers daughter. She was OK i suppose if you like that sorta thing..she has a big nose. Anyway, she was pretty good to talk to, wasn't what I expected, you know the sorta one who would go on about how good her father was, but she didn't, she probarbly new how much of a phoney he was. But anyway, I didn't go to the game, i stayed up on top of the goddam hill away from the crowds.